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Fears are real, and they play a dominant role in our lives. Fear can be
a signal for us to pay attention. Yet, we can become immobilized by our
fear if we fail to feel it and acknowledge it. On the other hand, when
we face a fear, it ceases to have power over us. Thus facing our fears
is the fastest way to deal with them. Our children need guidance in
recognizing and processing their fears to help them survive and thrive.
Most of us hope that if we avoid something it will go away. Yet, a
fear not faced actually expands until it is in our face and cannot be
ignored. If a child is very sensitive, every new activity encountered
can be accompanied by some fear. As parents, we want to help our
children develop courage by giving them support and encouragement along
the way. Supporting children allows them to move into a life of
confidence, feeling more in charge of their life.
According to Ilene Dillon, M.S.W., fearful children may have some of the following characteristics:
- Clinging, unable to spend time alone
- Disturbed sleep patterns, nightmares
- Unwillingness to try new things
- Rigid movements
- Easily startled
- Follower
- Angry and/or depressed
- Sad
- Frequent stomach aches or headaches
- A worrier
- Bed wetting
Many of these characteristics may also indicate other unresolved
emotional issues. Most children will display some of these traits over
time, but I invite parents to watch for persisting patterns. Releasing
fears and transforming them creates a sense of well-being and
self-reliance.
When children have emotional reactions to situations, it is
essential that their feelings are validated and not negated, even if we
do not understand why they are feeling a particular way. We can
empathize with them, reaffirming their feelings. We might state, "I see
that you are really anxious about ____." Give them time to feel their
feelings and talk about them without judging. Holding back our
judgments gives them permission to examine their feelings as a normal
process. Our feelings are not good or bad, but they govern our thought
patterns, beliefs and attitudes about life, so we need to identify them
and deal with them appropriately.
I have found that most children enjoy drawing out their feelings
with creative expression. They often find it helpful to vividly draw
fearful, traumatic events on paper as they talk about them. Many
additional emotions, previously unrecognized, begin to surface. These
can be labeled on the drawing. Using an outline of a body, they may
color in each emotion in their choice of color. You might ask the child
where in the body they are holding these emotions. They know. With this
technique you can also determine how overwhelming the emotions are for
your child and guide them in healing.
Releasing one's own fear is powerful, and children have wonderful
imaginations when they are guided to do this type of clearing. One
child may want to create a monster to hunt the fear down, another may
want to set a bomb to it or laser beam it away. Some may want to
imagine shredding the fear up, vacuuming it, freezing it or shrinking
the fear until it disappears. A courageous character from a video game
may be called in to assist. Some choose to put their fears in writing
and physically rip the fears up, stomping on them. A special star can
shine down peaceful rays melting away the fear. Creative solutions from
their own minds are powerful in resolving fears. Kids know how to do
this!
A visualization I enjoy using with children is an old knotted worry
tree in their own private place. This tree accepts their worries each
day as they place them in the knotted holes. Worry stones are powerful
for children as they physically rub away their fear or give it to the
stone. I remember teachers coming to me in desperation because a child
who had been doing so well lost their worry stone! It's good to have a
collection! A religious medal or Angel pin may be used for inner
strength also.
You might ask children what positive things can happen as a result
of leaving the fear behind them. Children may choose to draw this
positive outcome, seeing or imagining themselves without the fear. Let
them see how their life would be different. Let them know fear is
always a choice. You might have them identify with a T.V. or video game
character that would not have the fear. They can take on the qualities
of that favorite character. Teach them the fear is in their own mind,
and they are in control of their mind.
Children love to create a force field of strength around them,
giving it a color that reminds them of courage. I explain how this
force field is a protection for their heart. They don't have to let the
fear have power over them. Hurtful words from others do not penetrate
their protected heart. The fear and hurt bounces off. With a snap of
the fingers, the force field can be engaged. They are in control.
That's empowering!
It's fun for children to identify with a particular animal that
reminds them of strength. For instance, a child might take on the
qualities of a tiger when they are afraid, or the qualities of an
elephant when they don't want other children to push them around. They
may want to be a wise owl when they want to solve a problem. I like to
suggest that a child has a special angel who puts beautiful, soft wings
of protection around them.
It isn't our children who have changed. Childhood has changed. Our
children merely reflect the challenges in our world today. Children are
living with much more insecurity and uncertainty. We can make it better
for our children by giving them some tools to take charge of fears.
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