Let's Teach Our Kids to Be Happy

Happiness does not just "happen" to us. Happiness is achieved when we satisfy our needs in a responsible way. Our lives are largely the result of our own choices. Even young children can learn how to behave responsibly, gaining more control over their lives, when they make a connection between their choices of behavior and the level of happiness they experience.

Our four basic psychological needs are love/belonging, power or competence, freedom and fun. All behavior is an attempt to satisfy our basic needs. To be truly happy we all need to satisfy these needs regularly without interfering with another's attempt to satisfy their needs. As parents, our role is to assist our children in developing better behavioral choices as they continue to satisfy these basic needs. If a child wants to be happier, they may have to do something different. They may have to make another choice.

We are born with the need to love and belong. It may be fun to create a wheel with your child at the center. Ask the child to fill in the spokes with people who make them feel loved and appreciated. On another wheel, invite them to write down all the people they love and appreciate in their lives. You may be surprised by some of their responses. Just be the observer rather than a critic in this exercise. Avoid insisting they should think or feel differently. Just listen and learn.

Power is a sense of personal competence, an awareness of things that one can do well. We all have specific talents and gifts, but sometimes we are unaware of them or have not received recognition for them. We might encourage our children to compile a list of things they do well. We might ask our children regularly what things they did well during the day, and share with them our own competencies. Awareness and recognition builds feelings of self-worth. We might also be willing to share what we want to improve.

The need for freedom involves the ability to make choices. Help children recognize some of the choices they make each day. When possible, offer alternatives to children. This gives them a sense of personal empowerment. It teaches responsibility for their choices. Helping children learn more effective preferences of behavior when they are upset is critical. Youngsters may select a "time-out" to calm down or they may prefer putting their anger in writing or a picture. Using extra energy to engage in a positive physical activity is a great way to shift from potential inappropriate behavior. What will enable them to be in control of themselves? To be most effective, determine what psychological need the child is attempting to satisfy with the inappropriate behavior, then offer him an opportunity to engage in an appropriate activity allowing them to satisfy that unmet need.

There is an intimate connection between fun and learning. I am like a sponge learning new techniques in hypnotherapy and energy psychology. A whole new world has opened up to me and I am having FUN! When we are having fun, we are satisfying one of our basic psychological needs. What kind of learning fun are you and your children experiencing? Assist them in finding a new interest to explore. Physically play with children, allowing them to reconnect us with our own child-like behavior and spontaneity. Creating a list of things we can do for fun is a good strategy for realizing we are responsible for creating joy in our life.

We can help children make the connection between the behavior they are choosing and the feelings they are experiencing. Often we need to assist children in labeling their feelings. A child may have a temper tantrum because he doesn't get his way. The child is acting on a negative signal received because he believed his needs were not met. We can teach children that even though we can't choose the signal, we can choose what we do after we get the negative signal! Having a temper tantrum does not get us what we want and tends to aggravate the situation. If crying and temper tantrums are rewarded, children quickly learn the effectiveness of these behaviors. This becomes a pattern. It is important to teach children how to state their feelings using words. We need to listen and show respect for those feelings even if we disagree with them. Then we can respond with parental understanding, compassion and assertiveness, not aggression.

We can examine to what extent our children's psychological needs are being met. As we assist our children in developing healthy behaviors, they will lead happier lives. Children can create their own happiness by choosing responsible behaviors and satisfying their needs in a healthy way. It is our responsibility to teach our kidz how to be happy!