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We acknowledge people who are physically challenged. Their difficulties
are obvious. However, there are many people walking around with
invisible scars, and they too need to be acknowledged. A high
percentage of people are the victims of verbal aggression, and unlike
those physically abused, go without any protection. They live with
anger, fear, and guilt. If one hears occasional verbal abuse it may not
seem significant, but it can become toxic! Many diseases are known to
be stress related including depression and heart disease.
Verbal abuse is language that's harmful to one's spirit. As I
listen to clients share this deep hurt, I realize that severe chronic
stress has damaged both body and mind. Often the victims are just
relieved that there is no physical abuse. They feel that they are just
"too sensitive" so their emotional reactions are their own fault.
Sometimes they don't even realize this verbal abuse underlies the cause
of their own misery. It has become a lifestyle in which they have
become accustomed. Awareness that one is a victim of verbal abuse is
the first step for change. The next step is to refuse to play the game.
If you need help getting out of this cycle, please look for a mental
health professional to assist you. We all deserve a life that is
harmonious and healthy. We are here to heal ourselves.
I believe that verbal abuse is at the root of physical violence.
When I worked as a school counselor, I saw how other children hurt
others with their words. Often they thought it was humorous, and could
not understand why the victim took it so seriously. I reminded children
that if the other person isn't laughing, it isn't funny! Children learn
to think it is permissible to cause other's pain, and even become
callous about others' suffering. I believe that we must first rid our
country of verbal violence if we are ever going to solve the problem of
physical violence. The step between the two is slight.
Verbal abusers are dependent on the attention they get from their
victims. It is their "fix." Verbal abusers need a participant. It
becomes a codependent situation. Clients have shared how they have
tried to be "assertive" by being verbally abusive back to their
partners. They may plead and cry to arouse sympathy, or even try to
reason with them. Unfortunately, though these women were trying to
protect themselves, it only made matters worse. This behavior actually
rewards the abuser.
The origins of verbal abuse begin in our homes. Children are not
held responsible for the pain they inflict on brothers and sisters
because it's just "normal" sibling rivalry. If children can't take the
teasing, they are seen as wimps or sissies. Youngsters who are verbally
abusive may even be admired because they come on witty and strong.
Often these bullies instill fear. Confronting them is a frightening
experience!
Parenting can be challenging and cause much weariness. When there
are battles going on in the home, there is a lack of harmony and peace.
Home is filled with tension. It is inevitable and even normal that
brothers and sisters fight. It's how kids learn to negotiate, problem
solve and deal with feelings. It's also important to realize that that
there are steps we can take to minimize problems. Each day we have a
new opportunity to model the values we want to promote in our children.
If parents consistently battle, children learn it is an acceptable
way to handle problems. If children are physically punished, they learn
it is all right to hurt those you love. If parents are derogatory with
one another, children learn that "put-downs" are acceptable. We want
our children to feel loved unconditionally through our facial
expressions, our hugs and our words of encouragement. These youngsters
are our gifts to future generations. We want them to flourish and be
responsible adults.
We have the right to expect each other to show respect and common
courtesy. I encourage all families to set some family rules for
acceptable behavior. Post them. Then look for and reinforce positive
behavior. Catch children being good! Acknowledge specifically the good
behavior you noticed. Children want to please and receive desirable
attention. Bedtime is a great time to spend a few minutes individually
with each child.
Creating a positive family environment is essential. If you are
having challenges in this area, many school districts offer parenting
classes. Please call and inquire. No one taught us how to do this work,
yet it is the most significant work we have to do! We can change the
world one family at a time. We can eliminate the visible and invisible
scars with the right tools and intention. We can choose to make this
world a better place beginning with us.
I want to share a poem written by Dorothy Nolte. This hung in our
home and in my classroom as a reminder that our actions affect
children.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to be shy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty,
If children live with tolerance, they learn to be patient.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with praise, they learn to appreciate.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with acceptance and friendship,
They learn to find love in the world.
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